So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
