There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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