one might say we're banned from that church
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
