Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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