i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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