no, he came in my armpit
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
