i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
