you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
