3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
