the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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