I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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