Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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