There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
