My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
