a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
