im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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