the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
