My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize