i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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