I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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