I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
