I need help removing her.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
