Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
