just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
