His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
