I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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