1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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