Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have so many feelings about this burrito
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
