I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
