If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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