All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
