I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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