I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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