I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize