I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
