Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
