I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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