what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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