I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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