When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
