i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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