were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
false alarm, still single
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
