He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
