The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
