Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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