she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Be still, my beating vagina.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
