How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
