News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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