You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
