my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
