see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
