my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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