you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
