You can't special order awesome
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
