cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
