I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
