Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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