My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
