im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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