I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
