Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize