just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
