I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
