I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
