The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
