We're like a lot better than the average bears
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
