CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
