I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
