Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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