Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
